Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
