you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
