new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
They left me at home... I'm a liability
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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