guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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