Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
