Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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