Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
