my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He passed out mid-signature
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
COCAINE IS GR8
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
