I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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