I wish you could order shots online.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Did I show you my penis last night?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
