i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
