Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
