i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
