I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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