not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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