god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Houston, we have a squirter
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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