This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
