I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
