I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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