Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
