If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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