even my farts smell like vagina
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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