STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
