If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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