weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
