Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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