Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
