Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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