I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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