Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
