I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
