Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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