all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
