you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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