Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
