i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
