She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
