Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
