Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
