i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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