i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
