My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
