I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
