p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
