Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
