I have demons in me.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
