woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
