My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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