This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
