My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
