so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
