ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
