bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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