my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
