Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
