she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
