the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
