sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
