I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
false alarm. still invincible.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
