i already hear my dad disowning me
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
